Just over 2 years ago, (at this point we had been trying to get pregnant for 3 years), Randy and I went on a trip to Steamboat Springs, CO. During this trip, I guess something snapped in me. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe it was because I still wasn't pregnant, or it was the thought that we were able to take this trip because we still had no kids, I'm not completely sure. But when this thing inside me broke, I began to struggle. It was during this trip that I began to struggle with saying my prayers. And it was near the end of this same trip that I stopped altogether.
I stopped because I became so angry with our Heavenly Father! I didn't understand why. Why couldn't he just answer my prayers? Why wasn't he allowing me to have a baby? Why, why why. I had completely lost all my hope of ever getting pregnant.
Over the next couple of months, we ended up moving to Wyoming. So there I was, struggling with my faith, struggling with living in a new place, and far away from my friends who were helping me stay close to the church. With Randy having to work every other Sunday, I got into the habit of showing up to sacrament meeting and sitting in the foyer. I'd listen to the talks, and take the sacrament, and then I would go home. If Randy was there I would stay for all of church, but probably a little grudgingly.
I began a new job, which helped with the depression I was slowly falling into, though not much. I began just going through the motions. Get up, go to work, come home, sleep, repeat.
I already struggle with insomnia, and this depression I was slipping into did not help with that. I began staying up later and later, until 4, 5, or 6 in the morning, before either forcing myself to sleep, crying myself to sleep, or falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I spent a ton of time on pinterest looking up quotes about Infertility. Usually this made me even more depressed, and I would cry. Still I refused to pray out loud, let alone asking my Heavenly Father for help, with my depression, and with what to do next in order to get pregnant.
Here are a few examples of pinterest quotes I pinned during this time:
Luckily, the Lord loves us even when we don't pray. He knows our hearts, and he knows what we need. I truly believe this. Because what happened next was exactly what I needed.
At the end of 2014, our stake realigned our ward boundaries. We were moved into a new ward. The very first Sunday that we attended our new ward. I met a woman who was about my age. Randy wasn't there due to having to work. So I was alone, and was probably planning on leaving early again. Luckily this woman, saw that I was about her age and asked if I wanted to sit with her. I said sure!
This was the beginning of a friendship that I know the Lord had a hand in. After a few weeks of getting to know her, we discovered that we had something in common. We were both trying to get pregnant, and failing. Seeing the hope that she had reminded me that I needed that.
At this point I still could not bring myself to pray. And it was actually quite a few months before I started praying out loud again. But seeing this friend's faith, and also attending church throughout more than just sacrament meeting helped me to realize that it wasn't the Lord who was at fault. I was. I needed to ask for forgiveness. I needed to let the Lord make me into who he knew I could be. That February or March (can't remember exact time) I began praying in my head and my heart. Asking the Lord to forgive me and for his help to overcome this trial I was going through. I needed his help to hope again. Really to even desire to try to get pregnant (don't worry we were definitely still trying to get pregnant throughout all of this.)
While doing all of this, I began to feel the Holy Ghost telling me different things again. It took me a couple of months but I realized I was being told that I needed to quit my job. Now this was crazy to me, we were preparing to buy a house, and me without a job meant an even tighter budget. But I knew by this point that the Lord would not steer me wrong. So I quit. A week after quitting, we put our offer in on a house and a month and a half later, we moved into our new home.
We were quickly coming up on a year since the last time I had prayed out loud. Randy kept urging me to pray but I still was struggling with that. I was slowly regaining hope that we would get pregnant, and I knew I needed all my hope back before I would be able to. We began looking for a new doctor. We hadn't been to one in almost two years, due to moving, and waiting to see if anything would happen after I had had my blockage removed. We finally found one that we both felt good about. This doctor continued to help my hope grow. We tried an IUI last september, which failed. Despite this I was discovering that the Lord had always been there. He was leading us on a journey through certain doctors who would help us discover specific things that were wrong and that needed fixed before we could get pregnant.
It was this realization that helped me the most. I had regained my hope. It may have taken a year and a half but I had found it! I finally began praying out loud again. I could see the difference in myself. I was a stronger woman than I was before. I AM a stronger woman!
There are so many things that were I know were sent to me from the Lord during this time. One of those was a song by Hilary Weeks, and in order for you to understand a little bit of how I felt, I want to share that song with you. Please listen to it! The first time I heard it I cried like a baby!
One of my favorite scriptures is D&C 101:16, it says "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God." The last part of that scripture "Be still and know that I am God," has become my constant go to for when times get tough for me. It reminds me that the Lord knows everything I am going through and he knows how it is going to turn out. I just have to trust in him or in other words be still. The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways, I know he knew how much that phrase stood out to me and so he led me to find that song.
I hope that in some way this post helped someone. I have learned that in order to have hope, I first needed to find my faith again. Once I found that, hoping came naturally. It was almost like I had never lost it in the first place!
I will be writing another post soon with an update on Randy! I was going to do that today but as I said before I was told to write this specific post instead by the Lord.
Til next time!!
Becca
