The Results

So unlike most people when they get an HSG done, we had to wait 3 weeks to get our results. Usually you are told the results right away by the doctor doing the procedure. This particular doctor didn't really say anything. And so we had to wait for my doctor to get the report from him.

When the time finally came, we traveled down to where our fertility doctor's office is so that we could get the results. We got to the appointment and went back into my doctor's office. She chatted with us for a bit getting caught up since we had last seen her about a year and a half ago. She asked what they did for Randy and we told her that he'd had surgery and that they had recommended we return back to her after his results weren't improving as much as they had hoped. (Although they had improved quite a bit.)

After getting all caught up, she opened up the report in order to read us what the HSG doctor had said. As she was doing this she told us she honestly didn't understand them herself. He had said that there was a small amount of contrast in my right tube but no evidence of it flowing out into my ovary, and that my left tube only had a small amount of contrast right at the very beginning of the tube and none in it or flowing out. My fertility doctor said that she thought that he had done the procedure wrong somehow and pretty much told us that these results were inconclusive.

She then went over our options. We could attempt an IUI cycle with no medication, an IUI cycle with medication, or go straight to IVF. If we did an IUI cycle she said she would want me to have another HSG done just to double check to see if my tubes were actually open and that the HSG doctor I went to had actually done something wrong. If they were truly blocked they would put the money we had already paid for the IUI towards IVF. She said that before we made any decision that we should have our hormones all tested again, since it had been two years since we were last tested, and have Randy do another Semen Analysis. We agreed. So Randy and I went and had our blood drawn and Randy got his semen analysis done. Then the waiting began again.

After the appointment was over we went and filled in Randy's grandma on how things went. When I finally got Randy to stop talking so we could go, we went and got in the car and headed somewhere to get some lunch. On the way there I had a complete melt-down. I could not stop crying no matter how hard I tried. I just wanted to go home and curl up with my fur kids. I knew that the HSG doctor hadn't messed up. He had tried all he could to get the contrast through my tubes. I think the knowledge came as a shock and also as a relief. We finally knew the whole story. I was also kicking myself for not getting a repeat HSG sooner. If I had done it before Randy had had surgery I could have saved ourselves some money as well as saved Randy some pain. It took half the drive to Randy's parents house for me to calm myself down. I honestly didn't really want to see anyone else but I knew we needed to fill all our family in on how the appointment went. And that's just what we did, and I managed to keep myself together both times.

On our long drive home, Randy and I knew that we had a big decision to make. Should we attempt an IUI with an HSG that same cycle? Or should we go straight to IVF? There were pros and cons to both.An IUI is definitely cheaper, though I honestly wasn't sure if I was up to doing another HSG, that thing was PAINFUL. I knew IVF would be painful too, since I'd have to give myself shots every day and that instead of growing one egg I'd be growing multiple. We talked over all the different pros and cons and by the end of our drive we were actually leaning towards IVF.

Luckily, we didn't have to wait long to get the blood and semen analysis results. We got a call from my fertility doctor the next day. She told me that I passed all my blood tests with flying colors. Which is awesome! But that wasn't what we were worried about. She then told me the results for Randy's semen analysis. His numbers had dropped down to lower than pre-surgery levels. They wanted them to at least be 5 million motile sperm in order to do an IUI, his were 600,000 motile sperm. Giving us a 0%-2% chance of us conceiving with the assistance of an IUI. (0% if my tubes are truly blocked, and 1%-2% chance if they were open).

This immediately made our decision for us. The only way we will be able to get pregnant is through IVF. So we are going to begin the process of IVF starting this next month (July). We will first be having a few consults to go over pricing and what the whole procedure will entail. Then we will make a decision on when to do IVF. As of right now this depends on how those consults all go, I plan on documenting the whole thing as we go through the process so that others who find themselves in a similar situation can know what to expect.

I am so grateful to everyone who has been following our story and who has been continuously praying for us! You have no idea how much that means to us and we can definitely feel those prayers at work. We ask that you continue to pray for us and that we will have success when we do IVF.

Til next time!
Becca

Another HSG

After giving Randy's surgery a few months to see if we would be able to get pregnant naturally, without success, we decided it was time for the next step. We weren't exactly sure what that next step should be, and so we began contemplating. We talked about me going to have surgery to remove my endometriosis and then trying another IUI. And we talked about continuing to try on our own.

It wasn't until we opened up to some of our friends about these contemplations that they reminded us that we had wanted to do another HSG. Since my last one was unsuccessful. As soon as they reminded us of this the spirit confirmed to us that this was exactly what our next step should be.

Luckily for us. The day they reminded us about getting an HSG done, was actually day 1 of my cycle. So it being late at night, I proceeded to call my fertility doctor the next day in order to get an outside order prescribed for me to get an HSG done at our hospital. Once that was done, I then called our hospital and made the appointment for the HSG.

The day for the HSG finally came and we drove to the outpatient radiology building. We get there and get all checked in and then we waited for about 20 minutes before finally being called back. I changed into the hospital gown and went into the room where the assistant was waiting to go over everything with us. As she began she asked if I had taken and gotten a negative pregnancy test that morning. I was like no... I didn't know I was supposed to take one. So they sent us home to take one and told us if it was negative to come back, if it was positive to stay home.

I changed back into my clothes, drove the 10 minutes home, took a pregnancy test, waited the 5 minutes, saw it was negative (surprise, surprise), and drove back.

When we got back to the hospital we were able to immediately go back. I changed back into the hospital gown and then went into the room where the assistant went over everything. Once she was done she went and got the doctor. He went over the procedure in detail, telling us exactly what was going to happen. We already knew all this from when we had attempted the last HSG. Then they proceeded to do the procedure.

This is not my HSG! It is an example of possible results!

Let me just tell you. HSG's are NOT FUN! They are painful!! What they do is insert a catheter that has a sort of balloon on it. This balloon they blow up in order to expand the uterus. Once that is done they then inject iodine into the uterus to check to see if the fallopian tubes are open.

Usually the most painful part is the balloon being blown up. Which it was for me, until I was asked to turn onto my left side, and they injected more iodine in, which put even more pressure on my already expanded uterus. Luckily that part was fairly quick and then the procedure was done.

As of right now I do not know my results. We didn't even think about taking a picture of the x-ray at the time. I do go in to see my fertility doctor in a couple weeks to go over them. I am preparing myself for the worst. With endometriosis there is a higher likelihood that one or both tubes is blocked. Especially since I was asked to roll onto one side. I know they only do this when they're trying to get fluid to go through.

I will update with the results once I have them!

Till next time!
Becca

Finally An Update!

So I have to apologize again for being MIA. It's been a pretty crazy past couple of months! Before we get to the update. I wanted to tell you all that I am thinking of writing more about our regular everyday lives. I'll still include the process we are undergoing to have children but I want to include things that have happened in our lives that we want to remember besides the infertility side. This blog is called "My Endo Infertility Life." So I think it's time to include more of the life side of things :) This will mean more posts, more often!

Now for the update.

So as you all know, Randy's last appointment we got some good news! His numbers were up all around and the doctor said that they probably would have been better if he hadn't gotten in the hot tub and he asked us to come back to be tested again in two months. Well that two month mark hit and we returned. This appointment they didn't have his results ready right away like his last one and so we had to go home and wait for two weeks before we received news. We weren't super worried about this appointment because we assumed that he would have much better numbers because he had not been in any more hot tubs.

Then the phone call came.

Definitely not the news we were expecting.

His sperm count had not changed. If anything it had gone down slightly. They told us that there was nothing more his doctor could do for him and that we should return to my doctor to possibly try another IUI.

Needless to say we were shocked, a little bit confused, and wondering what had happened to cause them to stay low. I definitely cried. It was as if the world crashed around me. But I was not ready to give up and give in to what the doctor told us to do. Not just yet.

After about a month, we received the paperwork showing his results. I sat down to compare it to the last analysis that he'd had in July. While doing this I discovered that everything else had improved besides the sperm count! This was great, at least in my eyes. Yes, the sperm count was still pretty low but the health of them had continued to get better. I also saw while comparing that the concentration of sperm was still low compared to his first follow-up and was the same as the last appointment. This confused me even more.

So I started to do some more digging and trying to figure out why. Then one day it hit me. Randy had been super sick with a cold about a week before his appointment. He had had a fever. Fevers pretty much make your body just as hot as if you were sitting in a hot tub. Now it finally made sense! If we had been smart we would have rescheduled the appointment until a later date, but unfortunately we were not.

With this realization, we still knew that there was a small possibility that we were wrong and that the fever did not cause the low count. With this in mind we began to discuss what our next step should be.

We have been praying, studying, and have attended the temple in hopes that we would receive an answer about what we should do next. That is what we have been doing in our spare time the past couple of months since this appointment. We have received our answer that we need to wait a few months. Whether that means we will get pregnant in a few months or if in a few months we will decide to try another IUI we are not sure. We will continue to pray for guidance and we know that we will get a more clear answer in a few months. Our goal right now is that if we are not pregnant by April or May then we will look into another IUI. But for now we are trusting in the Lord and in his timing. :)

Now to just keep Randy from getting sick anymore! Since in the past two months since his appointment he has had 3 colds, and a kidney stone. All causing him to have a fever. Please pray for his health! I'm sick of him being sick and not just because I want children! You wifes all know what I'm talking about!

Til next time!
Becca

Finally Some Good News!!

No, not pregnant, sorry to get your hopes up there :)

Now before I get to the good news I wanted to share another experience I had! This happened about a week before Randy's appointment. It was another of those angel moments.

I was just getting ready to fall asleep when I heard a baby cry. I was like well that was weird, there's no babies in our neighborhood, why would I hear a baby cry? So I shrugged it off and went to fall asleep again. This time I heard it again and it was followed by two little voices saying mommy! I immediately started to tear up. I realized that that little baby cry was one of my babies! I immediately assumed that I was pregnant (cause why else would I hear a baby cry?) Turns out that I wasn't pregnant and so I began to wonder why I had been blessed with hearing them again. It wasn't until after Randy's appointment that I fully understood.

Leading up to Randy's appointment, we both had a range of emotions going through us. Nervousness, anxiety, worry, hope, and many others. The results of this appointment would determine our next steps towards finally getting pregnant. If they were as bad as his last appointment, we knew that we would have to do IVF to get pregnant, if they were a little better, then we would go back for another check up, if they were lots better then we would continue trying to get pregnant on our own until a year mark for his surgery. If we weren't pregnant by this point then I would go in for surgery to have my endometriosis cleaned out. So you can see where all our emotions were coming from.

Well appointment day came. We went to the appointment and met with the doctor. The results were amazing compared to pre-surgery and even his first post surgery appointment. Pre-surgery his progressive motility (the % moving straight) of his sperm was about 30%, at this appointment they had doubled up to 66%!! The sperm morphology (shape) went from a 4% up to 12% (normal is 4% and up) it had tripled! His total progressive sperm count compared to pre-surgery went from approximately 1.2 million to 4.9 million! This was great news!!!

The doctor after telling us all of this looked at Randy and said the concentration of sperm was a lot lower than previous tests and then asked if Randy had had a fever, been in a sauna, or a hot tub recently. He looked at me and I looked at him and we both turned and at the same time we said hot tub. When we had our anniversary we had stayed at a hotel that had a hot tub. I told Randy not to get in but he did anyways (this is now a laughing matter, at least to me lol). The doctor said no more hot tubs and that they wanted us to come back for one last check up to see what his numbers actually are when he hasn't been in a hot tub.

After being scolded, the doctor then told us that even with the hot tub incident, Randy's numbers were now high enough that we could try another IUI and have a greater chance of success than at our last IUI. Then he said that we also could possibly get pregnant naturally!! We were so happy to hear this!

After his appointment we talked in the car about what we wanted to do next. Should we just jump right in and do an IUI? Should we wait a few months and see what happens? Should I still get surgery to remove the endometriosis? We debated for awhile and finally decided that we would continue to try to get pregnant on our own until a year since his surgery. Then if we still weren't pregnant, we would discuss whether or not for me to get surgery or if we should try another IUI instead.

So going back to why I think I heard my baby cry. I truly believe that they came to let me know that there really was nothing to worry about. They were letting me know that everything was going to be ok and that they were coming still and one was coming soon. Whether that would be in another few months or in two years I don't know. I'm personally hoping and praying that it's in a few months compared to years.

This just shows me more and more that we need to trust in the Lord, he has a plan for each of us! Randy and I knew that we needed to have him get the surgery done because we were told by the Lord that we needed to. Now we are seeing the results from listening to the Lord. It may be taking longer to get our blessings here, but I know that we are on this path for a reason.

Til next time!

Becca

When You Lose Hope

This post has been a long time in the making. Mainly because it is a little more personal to me.I have gotten a stronger and stronger prompting from the Lord that I NEED to write this NOW. So I am. I'm writing this for those who are going through Infertility and are either on the edge of losing hope, or for those who have lost hope. It may even apply to those not going through infertility. I hope that by telling my story about losing hope, and then finding it again, I can in some way help somebody else with theirs.

Just over 2 years ago, (at this point we had been trying to get pregnant for 3 years), Randy and I went on a trip to Steamboat Springs, CO. During this trip, I guess something snapped in me. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe it was because I still wasn't pregnant, or it was the thought that we were able to take this trip because we still had no kids, I'm not completely sure. But when this thing inside me broke, I began to struggle. It was during this trip that I began to struggle with saying my prayers. And it was near the end of this same trip that I stopped altogether.

I stopped because I became so angry with our Heavenly Father! I didn't understand why. Why couldn't he just answer my prayers? Why wasn't he allowing me to have a baby? Why, why why. I had completely lost all my hope of ever getting pregnant.

Over the next couple of months, we ended up moving to Wyoming. So there I was, struggling with my faith, struggling with living in a new place, and far away from my friends who were helping me stay close to the church. With Randy having to work every other Sunday, I got into the habit of showing up to sacrament meeting and sitting in the foyer. I'd listen to the talks, and take the sacrament, and then I would go home. If Randy was there I would stay for all of church, but probably a little grudgingly.

I began a new job, which helped with the depression I was slowly falling into, though not much. I began just going through the motions. Get up, go to work, come home, sleep, repeat.

I already struggle with insomnia, and this depression I was slipping into did not help with that. I began staying up later and later, until 4, 5, or 6 in the morning, before either forcing myself to sleep, crying myself to sleep, or falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I spent a ton of time on pinterest looking up quotes about Infertility. Usually this made me even more depressed, and I would cry. Still I refused to pray out loud, let alone asking my Heavenly Father for help, with my depression, and with what to do next in order to get pregnant.

Here are a few examples of pinterest quotes I pinned during this time:

Luckily, the Lord loves us even when we don't pray. He knows our hearts, and he knows what we need. I truly believe this. Because what happened next was exactly what I needed.

At the end of 2014, our stake realigned our ward boundaries. We were moved into a new ward. The very first Sunday that we attended our new ward. I met a woman who was about my age. Randy wasn't there due to having to work. So I was alone, and was probably planning on leaving early again. Luckily this woman, saw that I was about her age and asked if I wanted to sit with her. I said sure!

This was the beginning of a friendship that I know the Lord had a hand in. After a few weeks of getting to know her, we discovered that we had something in common. We were both trying to get pregnant, and failing. Seeing the hope that she had reminded me that I needed that.

At this point I still could not bring myself to pray. And it was actually quite a few months before I started praying out loud again. But seeing this friend's faith, and also attending church throughout more than just sacrament meeting helped me to realize that it wasn't the Lord who was at fault. I was. I needed to ask for forgiveness. I needed to let the Lord make me into who he knew I could be. That February or March (can't remember exact time) I began praying in my head and my heart. Asking the Lord to forgive me and for his help to overcome this trial I was going through. I needed his help to hope again. Really to even desire to try to get pregnant (don't worry we were definitely still trying to get pregnant throughout all of this.)

While doing all of this, I began to feel the Holy Ghost telling me different things again. It took me a couple of months but I realized I was being told that I needed to quit my job. Now this was crazy to me, we were preparing to buy a house, and me without a job meant an even tighter budget. But I knew by this point that the Lord would not steer me wrong. So I quit. A week after quitting, we put our offer in on a house and a month and a half later, we moved into our new home.

We were quickly coming up on a year since the last time I had prayed out loud. Randy kept urging me to pray but I still was struggling with that. I was slowly regaining hope that we would get pregnant, and I knew I needed all my hope back before I would be able to. We began looking for a new doctor. We hadn't been to one in almost two years, due to moving, and waiting to see if anything would happen after I had had my blockage removed. We finally found one that we both felt good about. This doctor continued to help my hope grow. We tried an IUI last september, which failed. Despite this I was discovering that the Lord had always been there. He was leading us on a journey through certain doctors who would help us discover specific things that were wrong and that needed fixed before we could get pregnant.

It was this realization that helped me the most. I had regained my hope. It may have taken a year and a half but I had found it! I finally began praying out loud again. I could see the difference in myself. I was a stronger woman than I was before. I AM a stronger woman!

There are so many things that were I know were sent to me from the Lord during this time. One of those was a song by Hilary Weeks, and in order for you to understand a little bit of how I felt, I want to share that song with you. Please listen to it! The first time I heard it I cried like a baby!

One of my favorite scriptures is D&C 101:16, it says "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God." The last part of that scripture "Be still and know that I am God," has become my constant go to for when times get tough for me. It reminds me that the Lord knows everything I am going through and he knows how it is going to turn out. I just have to trust in him or in other words be still. The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways, I know he knew how much that phrase stood out to me and so he led me to find that song.

I hope that in some way this post helped someone. I have learned that in order to have hope, I first needed to find my faith again. Once I found that, hoping came naturally. It was almost like I had never lost it in the first place!

I will be writing another post soon with an update on Randy! I was going to do that today but as I said before I was told to write this specific post instead by the Lord.

Til next time!!
Becca

Angels Among Us

I've been thinking a lot about an experience I had a couple years ago. I've been thinking about it because it happened Memorial Day weekend in 2014. Before I tell you about it, I want to tell you about Angels.

I am a firm believer that those who have passed on and those who are not yet born, walk among us. Unseen because of the veil over our eyes. I have had quite a few experiences where I have seen small glimpses of these Angels. Some within LDS/Mormon temples. Others within my own home. Some are members of my family who have passed on, others, the people I am doing work for in the temple who have passed on. The first time I saw an angel, it scared me, because I also know Satan's followers walk among us, tempting us to do wrong. It took a moment before I realized it was my grandpa. Who had passed a few weeks before. Now it's not so scary because I know the Angels are there to help and to protect me. I had never heard any of them speak just felt the comfort they provided until the following experience. It's one I hold dear to my heart. And it's the one that happened Memorial Day weekend in 2014.

In May of 2014, I was having a rough time. I knew I wasn't pregnant and I was really struggling with that fact. I had begun to wonder if we were ever going to have kids. I tried to live my life as normal, carrying this huge burden and heartache. May passed quickly, I had wrist surgery (because I wasn't pregnant and it needed done). Soon it was Memorial Day weekend. My family usually has a reunion this weekend. I made the drive to where my family lives and arrived late. I was to share a room with my younger sister.

While lying next to her, I said my nightly prayer and asked for understanding and comfort. I finished my prayer and closed my eyes to sleep. Before I could even start to drift off, I heard 3 little voices. Each of them saying mommy, in turn. I opened my eyes and understood with clarity that I had just heard my children's voices. The Lord had answered my prayer by allowing my future children to say mommy to me. To comfort me when I needed it most, and to let me know they were coming. Even if it took awhile. This was such a blessing to me! I KNOW that someday I will have children of my own!

I have tried many times since then to recall the exact way those three mommys were said. In hopes to reenact them for myself. It has been impossible. I hear mommy three times but I know it's not in the same way. This always reaffirms to me that I really did not imagine them. They were real, as real as if someone stood next to me talking to me. Hearing them in your head does not do them justice. I am so grateful that I was allowed to have this experience. And I'm so grateful I having a loving father and brother in heaven who answered a prayer of a desperate woman.
If you have any experiences with Angels that you'd like to share with me please do! Comments are always welcome!

Til next time!
Becca

The Room...

I decided to write this post just a little bit differently than I usually write my posts. This is definitely not a poem lol but I feel like writing this post this way really gets the feeling across of how I feel about the room...

Yes, it's a disaster area lol :)

There is a room in my house.

I am not a fan of going into that room.

Though I have to in order to do laundry...

For now.

So laundry really doesn't get done as much as it should...

Mainly because I try to avoid that room.

Why do I avoid it?

Because that room is the room we have planned to make into a nursery.

When I finally get pregnant...

For now it just sits there.

Collecting junk.

Because that is our go to place to put stuff we don't know where else to put.

I cannot wait until we can clean it out.

And put a crib,

A table,

A chair

In it.

To be able to paint the drab white walls

Some other color.

When will that be?

I do not know...

Hopefully soon.

Because I want to LOVE...

The room.



Becca