When You Lose Hope

This post has been a long time in the making. Mainly because it is a little more personal to me.I have gotten a stronger and stronger prompting from the Lord that I NEED to write this NOW. So I am. I'm writing this for those who are going through Infertility and are either on the edge of losing hope, or for those who have lost hope. It may even apply to those not going through infertility. I hope that by telling my story about losing hope, and then finding it again, I can in some way help somebody else with theirs.

Just over 2 years ago, (at this point we had been trying to get pregnant for 3 years), Randy and I went on a trip to Steamboat Springs, CO. During this trip, I guess something snapped in me. I'm not sure what triggered it, maybe it was because I still wasn't pregnant, or it was the thought that we were able to take this trip because we still had no kids, I'm not completely sure. But when this thing inside me broke, I began to struggle. It was during this trip that I began to struggle with saying my prayers. And it was near the end of this same trip that I stopped altogether.

I stopped because I became so angry with our Heavenly Father! I didn't understand why. Why couldn't he just answer my prayers? Why wasn't he allowing me to have a baby? Why, why why. I had completely lost all my hope of ever getting pregnant.

Over the next couple of months, we ended up moving to Wyoming. So there I was, struggling with my faith, struggling with living in a new place, and far away from my friends who were helping me stay close to the church. With Randy having to work every other Sunday, I got into the habit of showing up to sacrament meeting and sitting in the foyer. I'd listen to the talks, and take the sacrament, and then I would go home. If Randy was there I would stay for all of church, but probably a little grudgingly.

I began a new job, which helped with the depression I was slowly falling into, though not much. I began just going through the motions. Get up, go to work, come home, sleep, repeat.

I already struggle with insomnia, and this depression I was slipping into did not help with that. I began staying up later and later, until 4, 5, or 6 in the morning, before either forcing myself to sleep, crying myself to sleep, or falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion. I spent a ton of time on pinterest looking up quotes about Infertility. Usually this made me even more depressed, and I would cry. Still I refused to pray out loud, let alone asking my Heavenly Father for help, with my depression, and with what to do next in order to get pregnant.

Here are a few examples of pinterest quotes I pinned during this time:

Luckily, the Lord loves us even when we don't pray. He knows our hearts, and he knows what we need. I truly believe this. Because what happened next was exactly what I needed.

At the end of 2014, our stake realigned our ward boundaries. We were moved into a new ward. The very first Sunday that we attended our new ward. I met a woman who was about my age. Randy wasn't there due to having to work. So I was alone, and was probably planning on leaving early again. Luckily this woman, saw that I was about her age and asked if I wanted to sit with her. I said sure!

This was the beginning of a friendship that I know the Lord had a hand in. After a few weeks of getting to know her, we discovered that we had something in common. We were both trying to get pregnant, and failing. Seeing the hope that she had reminded me that I needed that.

At this point I still could not bring myself to pray. And it was actually quite a few months before I started praying out loud again. But seeing this friend's faith, and also attending church throughout more than just sacrament meeting helped me to realize that it wasn't the Lord who was at fault. I was. I needed to ask for forgiveness. I needed to let the Lord make me into who he knew I could be. That February or March (can't remember exact time) I began praying in my head and my heart. Asking the Lord to forgive me and for his help to overcome this trial I was going through. I needed his help to hope again. Really to even desire to try to get pregnant (don't worry we were definitely still trying to get pregnant throughout all of this.)

While doing all of this, I began to feel the Holy Ghost telling me different things again. It took me a couple of months but I realized I was being told that I needed to quit my job. Now this was crazy to me, we were preparing to buy a house, and me without a job meant an even tighter budget. But I knew by this point that the Lord would not steer me wrong. So I quit. A week after quitting, we put our offer in on a house and a month and a half later, we moved into our new home.

We were quickly coming up on a year since the last time I had prayed out loud. Randy kept urging me to pray but I still was struggling with that. I was slowly regaining hope that we would get pregnant, and I knew I needed all my hope back before I would be able to. We began looking for a new doctor. We hadn't been to one in almost two years, due to moving, and waiting to see if anything would happen after I had had my blockage removed. We finally found one that we both felt good about. This doctor continued to help my hope grow. We tried an IUI last september, which failed. Despite this I was discovering that the Lord had always been there. He was leading us on a journey through certain doctors who would help us discover specific things that were wrong and that needed fixed before we could get pregnant.

It was this realization that helped me the most. I had regained my hope. It may have taken a year and a half but I had found it! I finally began praying out loud again. I could see the difference in myself. I was a stronger woman than I was before. I AM a stronger woman!

There are so many things that were I know were sent to me from the Lord during this time. One of those was a song by Hilary Weeks, and in order for you to understand a little bit of how I felt, I want to share that song with you. Please listen to it! The first time I heard it I cried like a baby!

One of my favorite scriptures is D&C 101:16, it says "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God." The last part of that scripture "Be still and know that I am God," has become my constant go to for when times get tough for me. It reminds me that the Lord knows everything I am going through and he knows how it is going to turn out. I just have to trust in him or in other words be still. The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways, I know he knew how much that phrase stood out to me and so he led me to find that song.

I hope that in some way this post helped someone. I have learned that in order to have hope, I first needed to find my faith again. Once I found that, hoping came naturally. It was almost like I had never lost it in the first place!

I will be writing another post soon with an update on Randy! I was going to do that today but as I said before I was told to write this specific post instead by the Lord.

Til next time!!
Becca

Angels Among Us

I've been thinking a lot about an experience I had a couple years ago. I've been thinking about it because it happened Memorial Day weekend in 2014. Before I tell you about it, I want to tell you about Angels.

I am a firm believer that those who have passed on and those who are not yet born, walk among us. Unseen because of the veil over our eyes. I have had quite a few experiences where I have seen small glimpses of these Angels. Some within LDS/Mormon temples. Others within my own home. Some are members of my family who have passed on, others, the people I am doing work for in the temple who have passed on. The first time I saw an angel, it scared me, because I also know Satan's followers walk among us, tempting us to do wrong. It took a moment before I realized it was my grandpa. Who had passed a few weeks before. Now it's not so scary because I know the Angels are there to help and to protect me. I had never heard any of them speak just felt the comfort they provided until the following experience. It's one I hold dear to my heart. And it's the one that happened Memorial Day weekend in 2014.

In May of 2014, I was having a rough time. I knew I wasn't pregnant and I was really struggling with that fact. I had begun to wonder if we were ever going to have kids. I tried to live my life as normal, carrying this huge burden and heartache. May passed quickly, I had wrist surgery (because I wasn't pregnant and it needed done). Soon it was Memorial Day weekend. My family usually has a reunion this weekend. I made the drive to where my family lives and arrived late. I was to share a room with my younger sister.

While lying next to her, I said my nightly prayer and asked for understanding and comfort. I finished my prayer and closed my eyes to sleep. Before I could even start to drift off, I heard 3 little voices. Each of them saying mommy, in turn. I opened my eyes and understood with clarity that I had just heard my children's voices. The Lord had answered my prayer by allowing my future children to say mommy to me. To comfort me when I needed it most, and to let me know they were coming. Even if it took awhile. This was such a blessing to me! I KNOW that someday I will have children of my own!

I have tried many times since then to recall the exact way those three mommys were said. In hopes to reenact them for myself. It has been impossible. I hear mommy three times but I know it's not in the same way. This always reaffirms to me that I really did not imagine them. They were real, as real as if someone stood next to me talking to me. Hearing them in your head does not do them justice. I am so grateful that I was allowed to have this experience. And I'm so grateful I having a loving father and brother in heaven who answered a prayer of a desperate woman.
If you have any experiences with Angels that you'd like to share with me please do! Comments are always welcome!

Til next time!
Becca

The Room...

I decided to write this post just a little bit differently than I usually write my posts. This is definitely not a poem lol but I feel like writing this post this way really gets the feeling across of how I feel about the room...

Yes, it's a disaster area lol :)

There is a room in my house.

I am not a fan of going into that room.

Though I have to in order to do laundry...

For now.

So laundry really doesn't get done as much as it should...

Mainly because I try to avoid that room.

Why do I avoid it?

Because that room is the room we have planned to make into a nursery.

When I finally get pregnant...

For now it just sits there.

Collecting junk.

Because that is our go to place to put stuff we don't know where else to put.

I cannot wait until we can clean it out.

And put a crib,

A table,

A chair

In it.

To be able to paint the drab white walls

Some other color.

When will that be?

I do not know...

Hopefully soon.

Because I want to LOVE...

The room.



Becca

Infertility and Pregnancy Announcements

Before I get into this post I wanted to let everyone know that this is a really personal topic. It is also a very sensitive topic for every person going through Infertility. EVERY SINGLE PERSON GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY HANDLES PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENTS DIFFERENTLY! This post is just my personal view. That being said... Here goes.

in a car, outside a house, into your pillow...

I have to be honest. I didn't used to handle pregnancy announcements very well. I mean, I really handled them horribly. From feelings of jealousy, to wishing the worst upon those who announced. I am not proud of this. When going through infertility, you see A LOT of negative pregnancy tests. So anytime someone announces that they got a positive test, that they are pregnant, it hits a spot in those people's hearts that is very tender and sensitive. All we want is to be pregnant and to have a healthy pregnancy, and when someone we know gets that opportunity before us, it hurts.

We are strong, and we will make it through this!

I have seen many, many, pregnancy announcements since I began my journey with Infertility. Some were easier to handle than others. Usually, I struggled more with the announcement if it was someone I knew a little better or if the announcement came the same day I got a negative test. I struggled even more than that if the person said that they were upset that they were pregnant, or that they didn't want another baby at that time but that they would endure the pregnancy and have the baby.

There were some announcements that came a little bit easier for me to handle. These were those where I knew someone was also struggling to get pregnant. To me these were victorious pregnancies. Someone who had struggled finally got pregnant!

Some others that came easier were those that I was expecting. These were from people who had been kind enough to let me know that they had decided to start trying to get pregnant. I love when people tell me this! I am very good at keeping secrets, especially if they are of a sensitive nature. I found that when someone told me that they were trying, I rooted for them. I couldn't wait to hear that they were pregnant. It made it easier for me when they did announce. Again, NOT EVERY PERSON SUFFERING WITH INFERTILITY IS LIKE THIS!

This quote has helped me immensely! I love baby 

snuggles, and I try to get some any chance I get.

It took me a couple of years of infertility and struggling with my feelings of jealousy to figure out a better way to handle the many, many, pregnancy announcements. It was definitely with the help of the Lord. He helped me to realize that every pregnancy was one more person's success. One less person who had to go through the pain of infertility, or one more person who was victorious in defeating infertility.

Yes, I definitely still have my moments where I struggle with pregnancy announcements. I have shed quite a few tears over my 4 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant and seeing others have success before me. But I am getting better at handling them. I am definitely not perfect, and maybe I'll never be. But at least I am trying, and that is what counts.

This is one of my favorite quotes!

To every person out there struggling. PLEASE don't give up! There is success ahead for all of us, whether that be with our own pregnancy announcements, or in the announcement that we are going to adopt a beautiful little baby. We WILL get there. You are not alone!

Becca

Surgery Follow-Up

I realize it has been quite awhile since I last posted. Life has been pretty crazy but I also procrastinate... A lot. The good news is, Randy's follow up appointment was only last week :) so technically I'm doing pretty good lol!

Anyways, this will be a short update. We went to his appointment and they asked a ton of questions about whether he had had any pain, tenderness, or anything like that. He has not which is awesome!! They said that if he did that it was normal for this stage of his recovery.

They then checked the veins. This was to make sure that there was no more blood flowing through those varicose veins. The great news is that there is not!! We were told that eventually the veins would shrivel up and be absorbed into the body. But it'll be a bit before that happens, but don't worry, the blood that is in those veins still is old and cool not hot like it used to be. This means that the sperm is happier than before and that Randy's body will not have to work as hard to produce sperm.

Speaking of sperm...

Randy had to have a semen analysis done so they could see if his numbers have started to improve since the surgery. This is where we received not so great news. His numbers had actually decreased compared with his numbers before surgery. They told us that there is no reason to be worried, yet. They said that this will sometimes happen especially in males whose numbers were already low before surgery. So because of this Randy will have another appointment in 3 months to do another semen analysis. If his numbers have not increased by this point then we will be sent back to my fertility doctor for other options of getting pregnant.

We have faith that everything will work out whichever way we end up going. We are hopeful that his numbers will increase and that we will get pregnant without having to do other measures. We are also hoping/wishing that we can cancel Randy's next appointment because I will be pregnant. We are really crossing our fingers for that to happen!

It is the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week! Please share this post and those that follow to help raise awareness of this terrible ordeal! I am planning on writing a post a day this week in honor of this. So check back and keep an eye out for those!

Til next time!
Becca

Tips on Cramps

As it is endometriosis awareness month I decided that it was time I gave some tips on dealing with cramps. I decided this during my last excruciatingly painful period lol many women suffer with painful periods, not just those who have endometriosis so I hope that this helps many sufferers out there!

I've had this thought multiple times lol!

Cramps. Who wants them? Not me, that's for sure. Unfortunately I get them, always. With endometriosis I don't just get them while on my period. For example, I had some pretty painful cramps this last month that lasted a week before I even began my period! It stinks! Then I get my lovely cramps during my period. (Note the sarcasm with the word lovely). So because of this I had to learn a few tricks to help deal with the pain. Some you may know already. Others may surprise you :)

      1. Stay Hydrated 

I am horrible at remembering to drink water! But I find that if I do I don't seem to get as dizzy and lightheaded. I'm not so sure how well it helps my cramps specifically, but I know many women who say that it helps lesson the pain.

2. Hot Water

This one is my life saver! I find that getting in a tub full of hot water helps me to relax and let my body do its thing. I've found my cramps are much less painful this way. For those who think it's gross sitting in a tub full of filth you can also sit in the tub and allow the shower to spray directly onto your pelvic area. I personally like to start out with the shower and plug the drain so that the tub fills as the shower is going. This allows the heat of the water to stay in the tub, relaxing you and your muscles. Also a plus for me is that the water from the shower head kind of gently massages where I get the worst cramps which helps to relax my muscles more.

3. Heating Pad

What do I do when I run out of hot water or get bored of sitting in the tub? I pull out my heating pad. Another lifesaver. Though this isn't as efficient as the tub/shower combo. It is still heat that is helping most of the muscles to relax. I usually use this at night. I lay the heating pad across my side so that the heat radiates to my back and to my front. I usually will rotate sides so that I can get relief all around.

4. Sleep

Sleep. That's about all you need to do for this tip. Sleeping helps your body to fully relax and you get some rest as well. You really do need more sleep when you are on your period than when you aren't. So don't feel too bad about sneaking in a nap!

5. Jerky

I don't remember the exact reasons why eating jerky helps with cramps, I just know my college nutrition teacher told us about it and so I tried it and it really does help! If you start eating it a few days before your period begins and then while you're on it you will find you have more energy and the cramps will be less painful (at least this is how it works for me). Jerky is kinda expensive though so I don't get the luxury of having it every month :(

6. Poop

Some of you may laugh at this but it really is true! I unfortunately get super constipated while on my period and so pooping isn't always something I can do lol. But I find that pooping helps to lesson the cramps that I may be having at that time. This is due to the fact that while you're on your period you are already bloated and so anything extra (pee or poop) puts even more pressure on your already cramping uterus causing extra pain that you really don't need to be having.

These are just a few tips to hopefully help you out! If you have any other tips please post them in the comments! I would love to try out any tips that you have! Whether you use these tips or not is up to you!

Til next time!
Becca

Recovery

For the past week since Randy's surgery he has been slowly recovering. We were told that his incisions would have seepage and that has been true. Not much thankfully but he has had a little bit of blood and some watery looking stuff as well.

The first couple of days after the surgery were rough. Partly because we were traveling home and also because those first couple of days are the worst ones after surgery. He was on a lot of pain meds. Which reminds me of the night right after the surgery...

We had to set alarms for when he had to take pain pills because once you have a lapse in those it's hard to get the pain back under control. So we both set our alarms for the 2 times he'd have to wake up in the night to take them. The first alarm went off and it took a little bit before Randy finally woke up enough to take them. The next time the alarm went off I think he was pretty delirious. I had pressed snooze on mine just in case he took just as long as the first time for him to take them. When my alarm went off again and he still hadn't taken them I nudged him and said that he needed to wake up and take his medicine. He said that he would. When he still didn't, I nudged him again and told him to take it and this time he pretty much yelled at me saying "CHILL, I WILL TAKE IT!" Not quite an actual yell but he was not happy lol. (he rarely if ever yells) It took him probably another 5 minutes and then I finally heard him sit up and take his medicine. Once he had I asked him if he remembered yelling at me. He said kinda but not what he said. So I told him and then teased him about it because it was so out of character for him.

He went back to work last saturday and he attempted to wear normal pants. Not the best idea ever. He complained to me half way through his shift that it was rubbing his incisions and making them hurt. He had to suffer through it til the end of his shift and then he immediately took his pants off when he got home. He wore sweats to work for the next few days. When he finally wore pants again I asked him when he called me how he was and the first thing he said was hungry and then immediately after that he couldn't wait to get his pants off! (They had been rubbing his incisions and he couldn't wait to get into sweats)

Randy's incisions are healing up slowly but nicely and he is not using as much pain meds as he was at the beginning. He will soon have all his restrictions that were given to him at discharge lifted and he'll be able to live a normal life again! He's felt bad because he has not been allowed to lift anything heavy and so our sidewalk has suffered snow drifts for a week. (They have now been cleared thanks to Randy) He got frustrated and took a small shovel and did small scoops of snow until it was cleared (or so he says - not sure if I fully believe him about the small scoops) :)

Overall we are both just grateful that he is healing so quickly and so well and we can't wait until we see what the doctor has to say in his follow up appointment in a couple months!

Til next time!
Becca